An L.A. Christmas...

Twelve Actors Serving
Eleven Cell Phones Ringing
Ten Tourists Swooning
Nine Commuters Cursing
Eight Earthquakes Shaking
Seven Surfers Surfing
Six Pools-a-Sparkling
Five Golden Rings
Four Hiding Agents
Three Yachting Surgeons
Two Mouse Ears
and a Seagull in a Palm Tree!

...Thanks Carolyn for the laughs!

Simple Formula for a Riveting Soap Opera Plot

Flipping back and forth between soap operas for two minutes yielded this simple formula:

"Go away. Wait! Come back. I must protect my baby. I promise I'll never change. That's what you did the second time I almost died and was in a coma. Don't leave me. I'm trusting you for the millionth time even though I know you'll just leave me for her. Why did you stab me? I'm doing this to protect you. You say you love me so it's ok. I'm very rich and attractive and still depressingly unsatisfied with life so I feel sorry for myself because I'm still completely helpless even though I'm the founder of a prestigious company that needs my attention right now so I can't begin to tell you how complicated it is to be so beautiful. You have to trust me. Look me in the eye and tell me you love my cleavage."

Excerpt from Turtle Feet by Nikolai Grozni

"I wish I could say that there had been some dramatic event--maybe lightning striking my piano, or an apparition of the Buddha floating out of my closet--that could explain my sudden loss of interest in the path I'd been pursuing up to that point in my life. But there'd been nothing dramatic: no visions, no brain-shattering spiritual insights, no guiding voices, no thunder and lightning. I woke up just as on any other day--preoccupied with the thoughts about classes, deadlines, bills, work and girls.......... Then somewhere between the bathroom and the living room, I lost my sense of purpose."

Yoga Implosion

After four days in Austin looking at mens' pink leotards, auras and convoluted yoga postures, I can think of one solid thing to extract---yoga contradicts itself. I was told to lock my knees before lunch and then after lunch instructed to never lock my knees. One instructor would smirk at another popular instructor's teaching style while showing us the "right way" to move into a posture. First, yoga asana, then pranayama, then meditation. No! Yoga asana is the meditation. No, wait! Yoga asana prepares the mind for meditation and pranayama during asana. Ahhhh!

My favorite part of the event was Mark Whitwell's workshops. His look was "European rock star" meets "wise, weathered sailor" but with intense, compassionate eyes. Stop struggling, he says. There is no place you need to go, there is nothing you need to attain, there is nothing to be realized because you are already a perfect expression of an unseen source. He was very direct about this. Yoga is the way to interact with this nurturing reality. Thank you, Mark. In the face of so much "spiritual materialism" your teachings resonated well.

Taste Troncones

For those of you feeling super jealous of my recent journey to Mexico, wipe the drool off your chin and check out these inexpensive places to stay in the lovely town of Troncones:

Present Moment Retreat (www.presentmomentretreat.com)
This is where I stayed and taught yoga for a month. Unbelievably beautiful and serene. Packages include eco-adventures, massages and food at the restaurant.

Casa Majahua (www.casamahajua.com)
I had the privilege to meet the owners and hang out at their place a few times. This is the tree house you've always wanted and it's right on the beach.

Sol y Luna Hostel (www.solylunahostel.com)
The chef at Present Moment Retreat just opened this hostel. For the price of $20 a night you get gorgeous rooms and a small breakfast in the morning. The best deal for your budget. And you can always walk over to Present Moment Retreat and take the yoga classes...

Back to Bike, Back to Reality

My life post-Mexico has been a fart in a whirlwind. I haven't stopped since my plane hit the tarmac. For example, the very next day my good friend, Katie, and I drove to San Antonio for the MS150. It's a 150 mile bike ride to raise money for the Multiple Sclerosis Society for those not in the know and I was under the impression that we were doing one of the easier rides in Texas. Hahaha, says fate. Not so! First of all, it's actually 160 miles, but who's really counting. And then secondly, coming from a higher elevation and riding to sea level, we were naturally expecting to go downhill a few times. There was no "down hill." How is it that we traveled from the hill country to the beach on a constant incline? Also, at each rest stop, the lovely volunteers would repeatedly offer, oh it's all downhill from here and the ride is much easier from this point on. Of course, you want to believe them. After many uphill climbs, teeth clacking from the bumpy road surface, I asked Katie to kindly remind me about our pleasant experience before we sign up for another race. A few days ago, in a moment of excitement (oh! the registration is filling up soooo fast!), we signed up for the Houston to Austin MS 150. We will be older, wiser and more prepared for this one, I'm sure.

Tell me that you ate fresh gogi berries at base camp one!

The inappropriate yoga guy is in Troncones! Here's the youtube link for reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtWcb0bcA-A

Excerpts from our conversation...

I'm watching TV and checking my email in the media room.

OGDEN: What are you watching?

ME: Planet Earth.

O: I love Planet Earth. Oh! Watch this part! Watch this part! This is great.

ME: I... am.

O: Watch this! Watch this! What are you doing?

ME: Checking email.

O: Oh watch this part! This is so great. So what are your goals in life, Jillian. What do you want to do?

ME: My goals? Ummm... travel around. Have a lot of experiences.

O: Experiences!? Whoa. How old are you?

ME: 26

O: Oh, I'm sorry.

ME: I'm... not. I'm doing just fine with it.

O: Oh I'm sure you are.

ME: It's not like I have much choice in the matter.

O: No, I guess you don't. Well, I just got back from hiking in Peru. Machu Picchu. I recommend you go.

ME: I know. You told me before.

(Silence)

O: Well, I'll let you get back to your emails.

(He leaves and comes back a few minutes later.)

O: I'm not done flirting with you yet.

ME: Great.

O: So what do your parents do?

ME: You mean their jobs? What are my parents jobs?

O: Yeah.

ME: Well my Mom works with the chamber of commerce in Northwest Houston and my...

O: Are they conservative? Are you going to vote?

ME: I don't know. I don't really like politics.

O: But this is the biggest election of our lives!

ME: I doubt that.

O: Why do you doubt that?!

ME: I don't really like talking about politics.

O: Are you going to you vote for someone that bans books from a school library?! Do you agree with that?

ME: I guess it depends on the book cause if it's like porn or something it shouldn't be in a school with kids.

O: But what if it's a book like Catcher in the Rye?

ME: I think that's stupid.

O: And Sarah Palin fired a librarian, what do you think about that?

ME: I really don't want to talk about politics.

O: I think that's stupid.

ME: I think this conversation is stupid.

O: Well... jeez! Sorry to bother you.

(He leaves. Finally.)

90s Party Postponed?! and Farewell Letter

No doubt I'm bummed. Tonight we were supposed to be sippin' on gin and juice talking about how good it feels to be a gangsta. I was going to wear a plaid skirt, carry a dooney and burke purse, put my heart in motion and back that azz up. All I want to do is have some fun and get ready for the next episode, but our 90s party is postponed! And next week I'm leavin' town!!!

I was really going the distance when I decided to make the ultimate 90s mix with popular songs from when we were merely freshmen. I told Craig about my idea and he said, "Don't speak. I know just what you're thinking," and we started picking out some of the dopest songs. I told him, "we need some Nsync and Backstreet Boys," and he said, "Are you insane in the membrane? How's it gonna be when you play that crap?" I replied, "there's no need to argue. All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade." I thought to myself, he's pretty fly for a white guy, but what's his age again?

We burned 4 cds of 90s songs, just the two of us. "Thank you, you're a rockstar, baller and shot caller," I told him. "Remember that lovin' is what I got," he replied and added, "words can't say and I can't do enough to prove that it's all for you." What a dreamlover! Someday we're going to move into the country and eat a lot of peaches.

I might not get to see you all before I leave. It's killing me softly. I only want to be with you, but I must go practice santeria and chase waterfalls. I miss you already and maybe when I get back we can all jump around, zoot suit riot and get jiggy with it 'round here. But it's closing time and there's still so much to say so much to say so much to say so much to say. I wish you all lots of TLC and champagne supernovas because I've got a hand for you. Remember groove is in the heart so let your light shine down, spread your love and fly. Though I'm far away I'll whisper your name into the sky and I will wake up happy. Bye Bye Bye!

pros and cons: driving a crossfire convertible

Cons
1) Long hair whips around and gets in your eyes and mouth;
2) Hair gets tangled;
3 Sunburn is a possibility;
4) Road noise makes it difficult to talk on your cell phone;
5) Not so good gas mileage; and
6) Only two seats and no trunk space.

Pros
1) Fast;
2) Sexy; and
3) Fun.

Seeing that the pros outweigh the cons, I've decided what my next car will be...

Don't Shake the Kombucha

They all taste kinda like carbonated vinegar with little things floating around the bottom even though there are a variety flavors. Mindlessly drinking this concoction may cause you to accidentally shake the bottle, stirring up the little cliques of active cultures. When this happens to you, and it will, do not unscrew the cap for the love of dog!!! If you shake this potent elixir and release it from it's glass capsule, you will be doused with fizz and globs of tiny organisms that stain your new dress and the upholstery in your car. The real kicker is when you struggle to re-seal the detox demons inside their sticky tomb, you realize this is not the first time you've made this stupid mistake with a bottle of Kombucha. You will remember the moment you thought to yourself, "This is new. I think I'll try this," and you will wonder where else you could have spent three-fifty.

Symptoms of Inner Peace

Be on the lookout for symptoms of inner peace. The hearts of a great many have already been exposed to inner peace and it is possible that people everywhere could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what has, up to now, been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.

Some signs and symptoms of inner peace:

A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fear based experience.

Am unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.

A loss of interest in judging other people.

A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.

A loss of interest in conflict.

A loss of the ability to worry. (This is a very serious symptom.)

Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.

Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.

Frequent attacks of smiling.

An increasing tendency to let things hapen rather than make them happen.

An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to love them back.

Author currently unknown
Taken from www.livelifelightly.co.uk

Letter to a wimpy client from your personal trainer.

Dear wimpy and annoying client,

My job as your personal trainer is to get you to your goal. I will do everything in my power to get you to your goal. However, you have to meet me in the middle. You stated on this little sheet of paper that you wanted to lose weight. You specifically said you wanted to lose 20 pounds. This is totally doable, but it will take some effort on your part. I assumed you knew that, but I was wrong.

You have asked me to write you a simple routine that you can follow at the gym to get you to your goal. I find this really amusing. You're an attorney right? Would you write me a simple formula that I can follow everyday because I'm thinking about dabbling in a law practice.

These stretches that I've shown you are not just for "young people". They are recommended by the National Association for Sports Medicine for people with postural deviations. I'm sorry that because you have either been sitting in a chair or a car for most of your adult life you have tight hip flexors, but you need to take 2 minutes out of your day and stretch those bad boys out.

I understand that you feel really comfortable on the stationary bike, but it is wasting your time. Why don't I get you a remote control and some ice tea so you can relax as you peddle? If you want to burn calories you might try doing the elliptical, the stairmaster or the treadmill--any machine that requires you to hold up your own body weight.

You are going to have to get your heart rate up past 90 bpm. You will have to sweat. You are going to have to lift weights and build muscle because muscle will burn fat. No, you will not get bulky. You are going to have to watch what you eat and realize that the crap you put in your mouth is making you fat, not your metabolism or your genes.

I cannot help you if you do not want to learn anything new. I cannot help you if you want to schedule your sessions a few weeks apart. I cannot help you if you are a wimp and afraid to work hard. Sure, you can try it out on your own, but wouldn't you have succeeded already?

In life, the amount of effort you put in matches the results you get. So, whenever you are ready to get to that goal you wrote down, give me a call and I can help you.

Words of Encouragement

"Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be. You are a child of God; your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God/the Divine within us. It is not in just some of us. It is in everyone and as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear our presence automatically liberates others." ~ Marianne Williamson

From Buddhism Plain and Simply by Steve Hagen

Our job is to see where things don't make sense, when things aren't working out, where life is utterly baffling. We must note what a profound ache in the heart we feel and realize what it is we don't know. We must see our ignorance and confusion.

There isn't anything "out there" that ultimately satisfies. There isn't anything "out there" that we must acquire or repel. In fact, there isn't any "out there" at all. Nothing enters or leaves the Mind.

The angel in running shorts.

I was on my way to work one morning when I was living in Austin. There's a Starbucks on 5th Street going towards town that I always pass and sometimes stop. I stopped this particular morning because I had been feeling the weight of the world and it seemed particularly heavy at the moment. Caffeine, I reasoned, would give me the energy to carry it. I park. Buy drink. Wait. Receive drink. Stir in Splenda. Then a voice behind me, "You are worrying too much." I turn around and see a petite man in running shorts and a tank. "You may think you have problems, but you really don't. They are very small. Don't sweat the small stuff. And it's all small stuff." Knowing that this particular being was absolutely right and recognized my all-too-common plight instantly, I reply sincerely, "Thank you." He smiled and said, "Have a glorious day," as he walked out the door.

Thank you, angel in running shorts, for the start of my awakening. "This is not the end, this is the final beginning."

Untitled

Are we destined to live happily
the basic nature of human mentality
or fated to wander wailing
torn from needed nurturing
but then what rare luxury
to walk with no responsibility
would the soul rather submit and connect
or speak freely a derived dialect

Some strange awake...

All of us were on a scavenger hunt out in the jungle. It was night and very hard to see. We were divided up evenly into teams and given numbered instructions on an ancient piece of parchment. Funny, though, that the instructions were in a strange code. Each team had to interpret the instructions before gathering what was on the list. There were disagreements between team members about what the symbols meant. There was competitive animosity between the teams as they scrambled to collect items. Sometimes teams were unsure what the symbols meant and sometimes they knew what to do and were proud. We placed our items in a coarse burlap sack and the sacks were collected before any of the teams could finish. A great fire appeared and the burlap sacks with all the items were thrown into the fire. As we watched our pain and labor consumed in flames, we realized that neither the interpretations, the tasks or the items mattered one bit. The important part was the journey.